listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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