I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I did not marry a roomba.
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