You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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