be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
