let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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