You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
