went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
