Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
