2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
