YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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