Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
