he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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