He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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