I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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