i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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