i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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