There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize