I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
