Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize