You're completely useless in the revolution.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
