He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Someone shattered a urinal.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Randomize
