woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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