My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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