I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
These tits shall not be calmed
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
