I can text with my tongue
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
