dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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