My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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