Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
is wine microwaveable?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
