I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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