I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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