God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
