Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
