My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
