you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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