I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
