you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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