New invention idea: vibrating tampons
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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