Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
