tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize