he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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