if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
