well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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