went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
