i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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