Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
