whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
