I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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