The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
