I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
