6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
