Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
