I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
