you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
