I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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