Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
