So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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