captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize