i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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