Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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