Don't make out with my wife yet
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
