Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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