He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
