Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
